Day 6

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I've lived a really blessed life and haven't gone through anything too hard, except the deaths of my grandparents. So I'm going to change this a little and write about the worst thing I've ever experienced. I mentioned the other day about not being able to find Aiden... its burnt into my brain as the top scariest/worst day of my life.

It was a few days after Rian turned one month old, so it was a few days after Aiden turned 17 months. Steven was in the kitchen on the computer and Aiden was in with him. I was in the living room with Rian and walked to the kitchen baby gate to tell Steven I was going to give her a bath, Aiden was ripping a napkin and throwing the pieces over the gate- I said, "Wow Daddy's really paying attention to you." Went to give Ri a bath.

After her bath, she was still wrapped in the towel and I walked towards the kitchen, right next to the baby gate is the door to the garage... it was open. [I'm feeling shaky and my heart is pounding so fast just writing this.] Steven was walking towards the door at the same time, I asked him where Aiden was and he said thought he was with me. [Why he thought this, I don't know.] The big garage door, to outside was open, I yelled "Are you f*cking kidding me?!" We ran out, I ran up the sidewalk to the left, Steven ran up the sidewalk to the right [I was still holding Rian and barefoot.] We were yelling his name and all I could say was "Omg. Omg Omg. No." My heart was in my throat, I couldn't breathe. I was making crying noises but no tears were coming out. Neighbors started coming out and we told them what he was wearing, a gray shirt and black jeans. They started running around too. I took Rian inside, dressed her as fast as I could and put her in her carseat, I started driving around and Steven got on his motorcycle. We had people the next street up looking too. Aiden was nowhere.

I felt like I was outside of my body, watching it all happen. It didn't seem real, how could this be happening to us? We had a brand new babygirl, our family was complete. I ran around some more and at this point I was thinking he was long gone. Somebody took him. My baby was gone. Because how far could he have gone on his own before somebody saw him and tried to find his parents? I had to call 911. A call I thought I'd never have to make. They asked me a bunch of questions and I felt like it was forever, the lady kept getting it mixed up, thinking I was looking for my husband, it was so annoying. All I wanted was help- somebody to find my boy. While I was on the phone, a guy across the street yelled, "He's in the truck! He's right there!" He was in Steven's truck... the whole time, watching us run around like maniacs. I never felt more relief in my life.

Since we'd called 911, the cops still had to show up to make sure he was okay. I felt so stupid. For the next few weeks I felt so embarrassed to go outside, all our neighbors probably thought we were horrible parents for losing our kid. I was too happy that Aiden was safe to be mad at Steven. But had something happened to Aiden, we never would've been the same. I would've always blamed him.

A month later, we were going to a wedding out of town, originally both kids were staying behind but after that, Aiden came with us. I didn't want to let him out of my sight. I'm so paranoid and I'm sure a lot of people think I'm overbearing and too overprotective, but I'm naturally a huge worry wart and this just made it worse. When the kids aren't with me, I worry the whole time. Sometimes we let Aiden walk at stores now and don't always use his backpack harness [yeah my kid wears a "leash"] and sometimes when I turn around and don't see him, my heart stops and I get the panic-y feeling all over again. Its a horrible, horrible feeling. I can't imagine what people go through when their kids are missing for hours, days, weeks, months and years. :(

I have a picture from earlier that day in the living room, its one of my favorite pictures of Aiden. Almost everytime I look at it, it crosses my mind that it could've been the last picture I had of him. :( Thinking about it still makes me sad.