Day 102

This evening ended up with me in tears. Rian has been a little, no, big brat lately.

We always go outside after dinner, if it's nice. I'd had enough and she wasn't allowed to go out, until Steven got home to deal with her. Sometimes I feel bad for him, he doesn't see the kids all day and looks forward to coming home, but more days than he'd like, he has to come home and deal with all of their naughtiness throughout the day instead of enjoying them. Anyway, he talked to her and it was over with. He let her play and he was pushing them on the swings and for some reason, I lost it. I came inside so nobody would see me cry, but Steven came in after me, followed by Rian. Who immediately burst into tears seeing Mommy cry, especially when she heard I was crying because of her. Two crying, emotional girls. My first thought was, "Oh hell. If this baby's a girl we're in for it!" And poor Steven, having to deal with three hormonal ladies. Yikes!

It just gets so frustrating. I go to sleep every night, making promises to myself to not lose my temper, to not yell, to just let them be little. But when you deal with a child who purposely chooses to do something they know they're not supposed to, over and over and over... eventually you break. It's all little things, but they build and build. This isn't how I ever pictured things being with Rian. When you're pregnant, and sometimes long before that, you have so many dreams of how you want to parent. I've learned from the very first day with Aiden, that nothing will ever go as you planned on this crazy journey. You can't ever prepare yourself for this. Because this is real life, not a dream.

I know they're good kids. I know we're doing a good job raising them. But sometimes, I feel the complete opposite. Nobody ever said parenthood is easy. Bringing up these little lives is the hardest thing I'll ever do and it's going to be a long time until it gets even the teeniest bit easier. But I know we'll get there. With lots of tears (and laughter!) along the way.